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Fu lit a candle
Monday, February 22, 2021
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Uncle Ray,
Was thinkin' of you two weeks ago and discussin' you with a friend; the conversation was about getting to the truth within the bounds of kindness and gratitude. I believe as people, what we are to one-- will probably not be the results replicated or 'reported' by others. In the far too limited time that I was able to share a part of who you were (are) you were really kind and you listened. You tried to stand up for my dignity/rights a few times that I really appreciated. I did not always know what you were saying but that seems par for the course for me; and I still felt safe in the moment. In my mind, you often stayed in the outer edges of family actions, speaking about all of the "adults" actions and interactions, just loud enough for the closest person to soak up. Real thoughts; real statements; real direction of conversation -- agree or disagree. Listening was comforting and seemed more sensible to me than the "well-intended" social banter.
I thought you could also lend some voice to my truth; alas I did not prioritize my relationships/time in a jointly facilitative manner. As an official (though certainly not literal) Black Sheep, communication with an intent towards love and honesty seems pointless. I assume communications between lofty pedestals and the lowly gutter will always be a bit tenuous regardless of technologic advances. So much is overheard -- and underheard. I would like to think you can see me now and laugh with me at my ridiculousness. Rumors of alcoholism have offered a flare and drive I don't have. I have been but a lowly pot smoker since sixteen-- one of the few decisions I still appreciate. I live mostly outside. I swear clear of most folks in order to improve everyone's life experience; and work tirelessly to fulfill my lifelong pursuit of understanding who I am and why I am here. I love to aid in creation and watch/study how things transform. The infamous rumors of my laziness and selfishness swirl amongst my multiple "society assigned" degrees -- and also the collapse of the most close family ties in which I sought to share and invest. So all in all -- I am still searching and still listening-- maybe time is less of an issue within your new perspective/position.
A DNA test was gifted to me last year and it turned out to add more layers to the mystery and shame of which I was created. I am related to a whole 'nother family group. The disdain from my assigned fathers and the way in which I experience myself and others within our broader family culture has often been painful; though understandably not the worse circumstance in life and a learning experience. My conception, my birth, my body, my life, my story--- all just mechanisms or layers used intentionally to ensure and protect the "comfortabilities" and the stories of acknowledged "People." People with decorum and power needing my invisibility in order to protect the glory that is indeed their story-- is funny. No power and all the power juxtaposed into the most ridiculous payoff and exercise. DNA results just clarified the craziness. No room at the inn! We don't know you! You can't be! (That last sentenced just slayed me-- one individual really said such with no preface or disclaimer/explanation). What a crazy sentence-- within its soul/sole starkness to say to anyone, on any day.
Lastly, I am proud to say I cuss like a sailor and I find my honesty painful at times but most refreshing. I am vegan and follow a strict diet. I am very physical and have a hard time sitting still; few years ago surprised to find folks have designated many of my movements as a form of Turrets. Keeps me active I suppose and is not the same issue of friction for me as has been referred to be by folks I interact with. My love and fear of people always runs neck and neck-- therefore I am a lover and a fighter. I am kind and I am an ass-- sometimes all at once. I am complex and simple. I am life and death; truth and lie. I am me.
I will think of you often-- especially when I ponder family and the meaning of. I am grateful for this space allowing me to endeavor time sensitive/influenced communication, and possibly a greater understanding overall. I am delighted when I catch myself in the outskirts of the interactions-- muttering out loud, but not loudly -- my opinions and curiosities of the "adults" so invested in life's ongoing play. Most of the family-- I do not really know. The snapshots of memories are just that-- tiny moments captured without the rich context and meaning in which they were embedded. Over years, effects of memory loss, bias and assumption result in smaller and smaller circles of recognition and the realization of more unknown than known. My wish for you mirrors your own, thank you for the connection and time.
Love,
Fu
P.S. I have my own name now-- ('Those who mind don't matter-- and those who matter don't mind. Dr Suess)
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